._.

Why is Esther so defensive of our parents? She's like aggressively defensive. Just one word that suggest our parents are bad parents and she goes ballistic. She did admit several times that our parents are definitely not the best, but what does it matter? No matter how much you try to protect them it's not gonna help if they themselves don't care. So get off my case~ You have absolutely no knowledge to judge or say anything. Until you walk in my shoes, any comments/ arguments you make is going to be invalid to me. It's going to make you look like a fool, because your eyes are blind.

I know being parents are tough, but maybe they should think about that before having all 5 kids? Perhaps my "friend" brainwashed me, but she's right. And don't even pretend like you are interested in me, all these sappy-love talk just makes me laugh. I rather you people just don't love me at all than confuse me with your ultra-mix signals.

Love me conveniently. Love me minimally. Love me conditionally. These garbage words goes in to a relationship and it comes right out. I rather you ppls be completely cold with me.



Once or twice I ran away from home when I was 6/7ish, and you know what, I still want to. Sometimes I want to cut all ties with them. Sometimes I just can't stand them. Other times, they just don't exist to me. There are even times when I just want to disappear, and I came close once, too close. Who knew what would have happen to me? It's funny how till now, they still know nothing. It wasn't that long ago that I was kidnap in the mall, didn't know about that huh? and you'll never know anything, because you don't care enough. All my closest friends knew, but you are among the outsiders, the passerby, the extras in a movie that wish they were somebody.
In the past, you ppls were somebody. Now? You ppls lost it. I don't know if you realize this, but ur slowly being replace. There's an ambitious woman (aka my boss) in my life and she has already step up to replace you ppls. Her impact are 100% bigger and stronger than your 21 years influence (mostly negative).

Take care of yourselves.
I can't say I'll be there.
I know you're sorry, and I am too.

Distractions

Going to study as much Psy as possible. Hopefully it'll completely distract me. u__u

encouragment

So I mess up some work stuff and my boss is trying to save our asses now. I bet she has already told like everyone about this... well no everybody but all her close buddy that this some "urgent" matter as come.

Funny thing is, I know I mess up, but Im not exactly sorry. I just feel like I got more work to do now, how annoying. It's a good mistake to learn from though. I'm somewhat angry at myself for doing that and I can tell you my boss sound really upset. >_> Sigh. Sorry won't cut it, so now what? I'm so fed up with feeling so guilty all the time. Sigh.......

I think I need some encouragement. u_u

Rec Script

So I'm currently doing the script right now for today's presentation. It's 5:26 am but I plan to go back to sleep. It's not like I plan to wake up at this time >_> it just happened. Now, back to the script~ My group send me this uncomprehending report right? With you know, really wordy words and super-run-on sentences. I thought my English's bad, but this is like "un-din-a-ble"x_x I cannot stand any types of readings where the writer does not know how to use "," and "." ~ But whatever~ you know the first time they did this, I thought it was because this other reason. I know, silly me~ again~ but this is so strange because we are in a 4th year class, which means that these group mates of mine might be grad. soon. So how da heck did they make it this far without having learn to use "," and '." o_o In all honesty, I cannot finish the report and the script. To edit it, I would have to reword and change the sentence structure, because the amount of ideas that one sentence have is just too crazy. Maybe is just me (I know it's not but just saying), but taking up 7 lines at Words is pretty crazy no? Just that one sentence. >_> Although I do like this girl in my class more than the other members (I'll lol if they just walk out right after presentation again), this group really suck u_u. It's one of those unusual cases where I really want to have nothing to do with my group. >__> I can't wait until this semester is over.

Back to rewording my script. If only I understand what she is trying to say, it'll make rewording so much easier. If I can finish reading it, it'll be even better~

Mistakes

The one biggest mistake I've made so far, I think, is not repeating mistakes. No, that's what my boss tells me. See, it's horrible, but! It's still somewhat fixable. The biggest mistake, so far, is that I've misunderstood the entire education system. Although I have the world to blame for this, I accuse myself for the inability to change my mental models. Even now, today, I still stand by some of these principles. I'll defend some of these principles with my life if I have to. Yet, as I grow up, many of these will be have rewritten or refine. Still, even though I am trying to change now, I still have to pay a price for that mistake. That price is time, both past and presence, I'm already wasting the future. And right now, I can't afford this price, not anymore.

So I had a really bad day at work today. I don't know what to say. I'm not giving up though! If she's not quitting on me, there's NO WAY I'm giving myself up! I luv me too much~ lol~ Either way, I really need this. This will be such an big stepping stone for me. For those of you who don't know, I am going to become famous one day. Not because I am sooo damn good taking short cuts or I got someone else to do the job for me, but I WORKED FOR IT!!! AND I AM WILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES. EVEN IF I DIE TRYING, I DIE KNOWING that God loves me T__T and I PUT UP AN OUTSTANDING FIGHT! Like Spartans!! I am taking the war to another level, so don't try walking over me.

I might cry. I might get depressed. I might even have a nervous break down. But I'm not afraid to get hurt, or be emotional, or even draw blood. If it kills me, then so be it, was nice knowing you. Thank you so much to all my friends (Micah, Esther, Jojo, and others... you know who you are) If you only knew, you would have done the same. Don't judge me for being crazy. "Great process is made by these who have the foresight and the courage to be unreasonable."

I was inspired today by Gurbaksh Chahal and so my blog was kinda long. " every mistake in the real world builds your character." He's so right, though I'm not sure what kind of characters, 'cause it goes both ways (positive and negative).

Now, to plan for vengeance- one long-ass-blog indeed.

I've tried spreading the work out through the week, but it wasn't good enough. To nail it, I need more planning, more time, more fire. As for now:

1) organize desk
2) printout of things to look out for (stuff she hates)
3) brainstorm and plan to do the impossibles
4) steps to do the impossible task + agenda
5) the action

soo much to do

another post to complain how about how much work I have.
*sigh* got our OD exam back. I got 60% T_____T~ Trying to comfort myself right now with the fact that fact the class fail, so this is a above average n only 14 ppls got 70% n higher. T_T I think I can really do better tho. I can't believe all my friends did better than me T__T LIke they did NO studying at all and they walk out with like a 70%

Our prof was like "most of these r all rubbish~ just rubbish~~" tho his Irish accent made it sound that much cooler, it's rubbish nonetheless. u_u It's kinda funny tho, his first comment to my first question was "I have no idea what you're talking about" n the second one was like "Very interesting and relevant but you'll always get negatively impaired if you do not do what I asked."

But the thing is, I DID DO WUT WAS ASK!! Maybe my tone can be better but it does look like a report!! I got it from Google and I use the same ones as all my friends, so I don't know what's that about. My friend said he'll lend me his A paper next week, cuz he has another exam with the same prof this week. <_< *sigh*

Anyways.... Time to get organize. Today is Thurs. I'll see if I can finish the research by 9. Watch Nikita, do bible study and write the ISSUE report and send it to my group.

Mix Feelings

I know I made the right decision. Even if it's wrong, there's no such thing when it comes to business. You make decisions right. That's how it works.

*sigh* SOO MUCH TO DO! Still, I went shopping today with Ranny, it's for a presentation, so it still counts as work. ^^ll *sigh* In terms of a relationship tho lol, that's done and moving on. I don't know~ I say I move on and stuff but I don't know.... I don't know why I am having doubts or second thoughts. Oh heart~ why don't you make any sense? So stubborn and undisciplined. You need to be more like a brain.

Either way, been listening to Pink lately. I actually find her really really like really talented. o_o

Current Music? Sober - Pink